Letter to a gay teenager

I know you're probably going through a lot right now. I know how it feels. Right now you're probably feel scared, ashamed, and different. You probably had ideas about how your life was going to be and just realized a significant wrench was thrown into the works. You've probably heard a lot of opinions about who you are, how you came that way, the rightness and wrongness of it, and it probably hurts.

First I want to tell you there is nothing wrong with you. Take what everyone is saying about how you became gay and ignore it. The truth is you started as non-physical, an extension of source, what people call God, and you decided to come here into the physical for the reason of expanding the entire universe. You decided from that perspective, one that no human can rightfully understand, to come forth, and be gay. This was just one of the decisions you made from that perspective. You decided to be gay to teach unconditional love, not by being whom others thought you should be, but by being something they couldn't change.

See people don't realize that embryos turn into babies, seeds into plants, trees and flowers, and planets revolve around the sun and no one asks their opinion on any of it. They try to understand it and many think they do, but the truth is we can't. We get glimmers of how it all works but from our limited perspective we can never hope understand it. It would be like expecting an ant to do your tax return.

See we intended it that way, when we came forth. A man over 2,000 years ago told us to "Love our enemies", we didn't get it then and most of us don't get it now. We think love is about control, when it's really about a lack of control. Love is about holding off your opinion of the little details and being willing actually see a person, or thing. Have you ever been having a conversation with someone and they verbally attack you before you get out what you're saying. That's because they are judging what you say while you are saying it, (which is a little bit like driving a car with no windshield and instead a glass floor, so you don't see where you are going but only where you are and then judging the trip halfway through by the road you've seen underneath you) and not really listening to you. If they would just shut up and try not to judge what you're saying until you've said it, they might actually get what you're trying to say. But they don't and you just get more frustrated trying to make your point.

That's kind of what being gay is like some times. You have to decide you would rather be happy, than right. Life is like that really sometimes. I know it's not a popular opinion, but seriously, how many peoples minds have been changed by arguing with them? (I'll never get those people that stand outside of events and places with signs with slogans like "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" and stuff like that, what kind of moron would actually say to themselves "Oh yeah, you're right." What I understand the least is the people who try to argue with them. Do you really think your opinion is the one that will change their mind. Do you really think you hold the key to their epiphany? Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord mean Gods on it and doesn't need your help.) In order for two people to actually share their truth, both have to be willing to communicate it, and both have to be willing to listen. In that moment both are being unconditionally loving, and that moment changes the world.

So you came here to be the immovable object. In order to feel good, those around you have to find a way of loving you, despite their opinion on who you sleep with and the rightness or wrongness of it. Some of them won't. That's a good thing. Rejection never feels good, but seriously how good a friend, relative, co-worker ect is someone who would reject you for this one small thing that really doesn't effect them unless they chose for it to? There is so much about you that has nothing to do with being gay, so if someone is going to reject you for that one small thing, wouldn't you rather know sooner than later? It's like the girl who wants to date the guy, so she pretends to be something she isn't and hides what she thinks are her flaws. Doesn't she know that there might be someone out there who loves her for those flaws or in spite of them? Doesn't she know that sooner or later he's going to see behind the curtain and he's going to know she manipulated him and he's not going to be happy about it? Doesn't she know that they both could be finding someone perfect for each of them, in the time she is wasting convincing him she's what he wants? Unfortunately she can't see past his cute butt and dimples. It works the other way also, people deciding "you are the one" and then trying to change you into making you "the one" when "the one" for each of you is probably out there but neither of you can see them because you're only looking at each other.

Next I want you to know that your parents might be doing things you see as hurtful, to try to fix you. I want you to know they love you. I know it might not seem that way but, in most cases they do. Think about how long it took you to discover you're gay, how long it took for you to admit it to yourself, give them at least that long. Yes they should love you unconditionally but you are also their child. The first thing most parents are going to think about is protecting their child from danger. So the first thing they are libel to think about is stuff like, AIDS, bashing, people like Matthew Shepard, the fact that in most states you still can't get married, that people will make fun of you, and be mean to you, that you might be fired or not get a job because you're gay. Let's face it, we aren't at the point yet where when you think of someone who's gay you think of someone who's happy, married, successful. Usually most people think about the negatives, especially parents. They would do the same if you said you wanted to be an artist, or had a seething desire to sell women's shoes. Talk to them like an adult while remembering you're still a child. If you scream and cry, they are just going to do the same thing you do when they scream and cry, roll their eyes.

That leads me to coming out. You don't have to, until you're ready to. Don't let anyone tell you different. Especially if you think, they might kick you out, cut you off, or if paying for college is a consideration, you might want to hold off. You're living your life, not a political statement. Friends and public figures might try to tell you it's wrong to not come out. To a certain extent they are right. If not coming out means you're hurting people in the process, yes it's wrong. Otherwise it's no ones business but yours. What I mean by that is if you are leading women on, dating them, and in some cases for people who can, even having sex with them, you're hurting them. It's just not right to do so. It's not right to marry someone to hide your sexuality either. It is never right to use someone.

Which brings me to sex. Now truthfully I wish I was one of those people who could just have sex willy nilly and not have it affect me. I'm not though, and not every one is. I know gay people have a reputation of having lots of anonymous sex. The truth is guys like having sex. Women do also, but guys think differently about sex than most women. It has little to do with being gay and more to do with being guys. The thing is using people is wrong. Manipulating someone to get them into bed and then treating them like they don't exist afterward is wrong.

When you're ready to have sex have as much as you like, but do it for the right reasons and treat yourself and your partner with respect. You might think a guy is a total ass and still find him hot, so don't pretend like he means more to you before you have sex with him and then treat him like shit afterward. Consequently you might find a guy that has a wonderful personality but you find him physically repulsive. You can love people without sleeping with them.

This might seem weird to most people but I don't think AIDS is some divine retribution on gay people (else straight people wouldn't get it). I do however think it's a metaphysical bi-product of peoples neurosis around sex. Everything in the world began in the non-physical, the realm of thought. It started as a thought that received a feeling response and as more had that feeling response it sooner or later manifested. Think of how it must feel to get a diagnosis of a positive HIV status. It must feel devastating. When has anyone ever felt devastation around or as a result of sex? I'm thinking hundreds every second.

While safe sex is a great preventative and abstinence an even better one for not getting or spreading STDs, I think getting rid of our neurosis around sex is an even better one. This means not having sex to feel better when we feel powerless and angry, not having sex because we are TRYING to have kids (how stupid is that, every teenage girl can get pregnant yet adults have to try), not having sex to prove something, not having sex to fill the emptiness we feel, but as a natural expression of our connection to another human being. I'm not stupid, I know that as a teenager and sometimes even today I get so horny I could frack a stump, but that's what masturbation is for. Current research has actually shown that not having a regular release of semen, can lead to prostate cancer in men. Still let no one tell you when you're ready to have sex, but you. I know guys want to go out and lose their virginity as soon as possible but seriously it's not a race. It's your body, and you have to live with it your whole life. Don't throw it away to appease anyone.

So to wrap up, there is nothing wrong with you. You were born this way. As long as you respect yourself and others, you'll do fine. Give yourself a break and give your friends and family a break. It's your life, do it at your own pace. If you need help don't forget the Trevor Project and go on Youtube and check out the It get's better project

Love and Other Disasters

I just watched the 2006 movie Love and Other Disasters.  My Lord this is a great movie.  Not only does it star Britanny Murphy and Matthew Rhys (remember the Welsh man that played Kevin on Brothers and Sisters), but costars Catherine Tate (of Doctor Who and the Catherine Tate show here's her singing the theme song to her show at a Kirsty MacColl tribute, the lady who wrote and performed the song



), and Stephanie Beacham (please tell me you remember Sable from the Colbys/Dynasty here's my favorite Dynasty Season 9 scene with Stephanie it's the elevator scene right in the middle of the clip)



(I love her expression at the end of that scene)

Now I know people are going to first say how atrocious Brittany Murphy's British accent was in this movie, but it's not supposed to be an accent. More of a way of talking. As Brittany's character explains well into the movie when someone calls her an American, her father is English, her mother is from Argentina, she lived in London until she was 5 when her parents died, then moved to the states and was raised by her mother's family. So it's really not an accent, just a rather formal way of speaking. Which is funny because Britanny Murphy was the only member of the cast besides Santiago Cabrera who wasn't from the UK. (Though Santiago did grow up in London, Romania, Toronto and Madrid.) As far as accents go, I thought Matthew Rhys who is from Wales and grew up speaking Welsh, does an American accent better than a London accent.

It was actually Matthew Rhys character who made the movie for me. A 30 something, single gay man living in London, his inner life is much more satisfying that his outer life. He meets someone fantasizes about them, then actually gets to know them and they suddenly become inadequate. That is so me. I've been looking for love since I was 12 and from the first to the last the reality was so less fulfilling than the fantasy. To the point where I'm not sure if I haven't given up on finding Mr. Right, and just don't want to admit it.

Now to be honest I'm never going to make anyone's top 10 list. I've seriously more walls than the Vatican. I've lived long enough to know that I want what I want and I'm not going to settle for less. I know what being with "him" feels like and that's what I want. What I've gotten, in the past, is men who demean me, abuse me, desert me, or manipulate me in one way or another. Now I have to admit, in each of these relationships I've felt something was off going into them, and I ignored that. That is my own damn fault. It's taken me almost 30 years to actually not respond when I'm feeling something is off.

The last guy that wanted a relationship with me, I was upfront with. I basically told him, I'm sick of people playing games with me, and trying to get me to do what they want all the time. I've spent the last few years gravitating toward what feels good, so here is how this is going to go. If you call, and I'm feeling it, I'll answer, otherwise I'll wait until I'm feeling it and I'll call you back. I'm only going to call when it feels right. So for the next few weeks I would be working and since I'm not supposed to be on my cell at work I wouldn't check it that often. Now knowing I'm working and I'm not supposed to even have my cell on, I would check it on a smoke break, and get the feeling I was in a relationship with a 12 year old girl. "How are you today?" "You busy?" "What's up?" "Don't you even have time to text me back?" getting meaner and meaner from there, and then he would wonder why I didn't call him the minute I got off work.

The truth is like Matthew Rhys' character in the movie, I want that guy who is the aha moment. I want to feel it. I want to know it's right from the first consideration of dating him, and to be honest I'm willing to wait another 30 years for it. Sure I'll be in my 70s with my behind scraping the back of my knees, but I know what I want and I'm not settling for less.

Get your free sample

OMG, Whomever came up with this business model is the most annoying person in the world.  Try free! and unless you cancel we'll charge you every month for the rest of your life.  Who came up with this?  Just send me the free trial, or whatever I've bought and send me information for additional ordering.  Don't force me to try your club.  It's quite obvious you think I'm going to not read the fine print, or will be too lazy or busy to cancel your stupid club.  If that's the way you're making your money it's quite obvious you don't have any faith in your product what so ever so why would I try the free sample in the first place?

This started recently with Pimsluer.  I got one of those Pimsluer quick and easy language CDs.  I have to admit what I did do in the lessons I did retain.  Unfortunately, I was rolling my eyes by the 4th lesson and that isn't a good sign, it was kind of annoying me.  10 days after the quick and easy CD came, guess what? I didn't read the fine print.  They send me the Gold section 1 version of the language I'd chosen (in this case I picked German because conversationally it sounds very similar to English to me).  So I get Pimsluer German I Gold Edition in the mail 10 days later.  They didn't even give me 2 weeks to try the first CD I'd gotten.  So surprised that I received it in the first place I looked at the invoice.  "Free Trial" it said.  So I looked up online what the terms were of the quick and easy CD I got for $10.  Guess what?  For my convenience, I'd been signed up for the Pimsluer Language Familiarity Program.  Nifty little program there.  What I get is a new language every month (I assume German I would be followed by German II and III and then they would pick a language for me).  Each Language package they send is just 4 easy payment of $64.99 + shipping and handling!  Wow! Only $260 per course!

At that price, no way.  Still if I'd tried the quick and easy German, and liked it.  I would have been happy to see what my options were for continuing the course.  Unfortunately that is not how Pimsluer Approach does business.  Personally I think it's dishonest.  I've run across this several times on the Internet and I hate it each time.  I refuse to join these things.  Each time I get one of these "Try us!" deals I search the terms and conditions for dollar signs.  Obviously I missed one in the Pimsluer Approach Terms and Conditions.

Like I said I don't try many of these Try me deals.  Several years ago I wanted to look at some artwork of a famous gay artist, who did quite a few male nudes.  I was surprised you couldn't get into his site without joining one of those adult verification sites.  He had 3 choices.  I searched through the T&C for all of them, and picked the one that didn't have hidden in the T&C "Try for 2 weeks for the low price of $???, and for your convenience if you don't cancel in 2 weeks we'll charge you $??.?? a month until you cancel!" Guess what? I missed it.  I logged in, looked at the site once, wasn't really impressed and forgot about it.  Until 2 weeks later I got a charge for $70.  Yep, there it was in section 378 subsection D.  So basically you're ripping me off and think I won't know about it?

Here's the thing.  I pay a lot of monthly bills.  My Credit Card company tells me when my payment is due and what will happen if I don't pay it.  My Cable company tells me when my payment is due and what will happen if I don't pay it.  My cell phone ... well you're getting the point.  Why aren't these people forced to tell me up front, "If you do this we are going to charge your credit card every month this amount until you cancel it!"  Better yet why don't you just have faith in your product and give me the information about joining your monthly charge club, if I chose to?  Expecting the lowest intelligence possible from people is quite insulting