Subsurdity: Vignettes from Jasper Lane by Eric Arvin

Subsurdity: Vignettes from Jasper Lane by Eric Arvin
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I love how versatile Eric Arvin is. The first book I read of his was Woke up in a Strange Place, one of the most beautiful and compelling adventures in the after-life I've ever read. Then The Rest Is Illusion which was very highbrow, and existentially Metaphysical. Next was Simple Men which was kind of Eh for me, even though it was an important story. Almost Last was Galley Proof which was a hard read but by the end had me in tears.

Now we have Subsurdity: Vignettes from Jasper Lane, which is the anti-Wisteria Lane but just as funny. I laughed, I cried, I wished I had a golf cart and an old lady with a target on her back side.

I think I've found my next obsession. Reading everything Eric Arvin has published. I might not like it but I know it will get some kind of reaction from me.

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Man of Mystery by Madeleine Urban

Man of Mystery by Madeleine Urban
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In the tradition of an American Dreamer the 1984 movie starring JoBeth Williams, frustrated unappreciated house husband Alan, runs away from an argument with his emotionally abusive wife and gets hit by a car. Waking up in a hospital hours later, he believes he is a character from one of his favorite book series Terrance Whitehead, and sets out on an adventure to get back control of his life. The rest of the book is a leap into the unknown without a parachute.

All I can say is why can't I have one of these types of head injuries!

I would actually give the book 5 stars but it's premise is almost a blatant rip-off of one of my favorite movies.

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Corrupted by Todd Young

Corrupted by Todd Young
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I have to give this a 3 just because I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not that it's not hot or poorly written, neither are true. It's that it's one of those books where the closeted gay guy is tortured by the straight guys and enjoys it while hating them, kind of stories.

That and his best friend/love interest Justin is hot but a lazy frack who takes advantage of him but the main character is clueless. Justin doesn't pay rent, doesn't have a job, doesn't look for one, yet walks around the house in silk shorts that are too short with his weewee hanging out and get's a free place to live, free maid, free food, his cell phone paid for and even some video games. All he has to do is run around half naked and pretend not to notice his friend watching him take a shower with the door open. I'm not sure if I hate Justin or want one for myself.

Personally though if I couldn't find a job, and could barely pay my rent, I'm not sure if Justin would be what I needed.

So the low rating is only because of my mixed feelings and again, not the writing or cause it wasn't hot.

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Apple is trying to drive me crazy (or Welcome to iTunes 11)

Although I find it slightly non-user friendly I love my iPod. My first was a Nano. I loved it so much that the next year I got a classic. You can imagine as I've been collecting mp3's since Napster, ripping CDs I own and buying stuff off iTunes 3 gigs is not enough. 80 gigs was more like it. That and the fact that with iTunes if you like one song off and album you can buy the one song. Do you know how many records, tapes, and CDs I've bought in my lifetime only to find out I like only one song? Never again!

So when Apple unveiled the iPhone, while I wasn't one of those people standing in line for weeks at a time, I did get one as soon as I could afford one. After all, I used AT&T as my cell service, and it was exclusive to AT&T, I needed to upgrade my phone anyway, and I always carried with me, my iPod and my cell phone. I call that a no brainer. Wouldn't you?

That and I have to admit I'm a Google addict. Random thoughts and wonderings that hit me throughout the day are Googled. I'm in that conversation with someone who doesn't believe that there is such thing as a Barn Swallow that looks very similar to the blue birds that are nesting right outside their kitchen window and I Google it and show them.

I love carrying around my favorite videos or having the ability to YouTube some funny video and share with a friend on the go. Growing up through LPs, rotary phones and Black & White TVs, to it all being on a hand held device is great!

So after my mom got me an iPod touch for Christmas one year, and how much I loved that, it only made sense for me to get an iPhone. So when the 3GS came out and I had an upgrade available I spent the extra money and got it. I now have a 4S.

I've only ever had 2 problems. First, no matter what carrier you have my neighborhood is a cell phone dead zone. It's cool. You get 2 or 3 bars, until you actually want to make a call or text and then you have no signal. I don't feel bad, so far. Our one neighbor had been having problems with our cable service, and since it also provided phone service for our landlines, she had to drive 5 miles up the road to inform them of the issue. So far I haven't had that problem. Although before I got the 3GS they put a baffle on my cable service before there was noise coming from my old cable modem and I was without internet for 3 days. I had no idea how many times throughout the day I Google something. I almost pulled my hair out.

The second problem is, while I can't speak for Mac users, iTunes for Windows is not user friendly and every time they come out with a new version of it I hold my breathe. I just know something is going to go wrong and it will take me hours to fix it.

For instance, if you don't name a song exactly right, iTunes has no idea what it is and will not download artwork for it. Now I have this program for eBooks called calibre. Even when it does find the right book when searching for metadata, it still gives you a couple options to make sure it has the exact right book. iTunes, no way Jose'. You have to have the title, artist and album exactly the way it is in the iTunes music store or you can go look for your own artwork. Now maybe you're asking why I care. I just love cover flow.

The artwork issue is really a stickler for me. Especially with new version of iTunes. I've been using iTunes since version 3. So I load in all my mp3's and get them named correctly and have artwork for all of them and a new version of iTunes comes out or I have to change computers and I have to do it all over again. One thing I really don't get is ... well for instance. I recently got the "Better Off Dead" digitally remastered soundtrack. I put it in my cd drive, iTunes recognized the album even though it wasn't carried in the iTunes store, it recognized the tracks, but the album artwork I had to come up with myself. WTF?

Then there are things like soundtracks. You can list each song on the soundtrack album and who did it, but unless you list the album artist as "Various artists" when using coverflow or searching by album, that one album can show up as many times as there are artists in the album. Which makes it difficult to shuffle one album. This even happens when there is a duet in the middle of the album with some other artist. The one album appears twice and the second appearance is just that one song with the two people doing the duet. For instance, say you have a Prince album, and in that album he has 14 songs. One song is a duet with Sheila E. If you use cover flow or look for the album it will show up twice. Once for all the songs by Prince and the Revolution, and once for that one song by Prince and the Revolution with Sheila E. Is that not moronic? Is it just me?

Another thing, I hear with a Mac it's easy to move stuff around and delete music no longer in your library. Now this is important for me for one reason. I listen to spiritual retreat cds. These retreats are basically 6 hours, with a one hour lunch and 2 20 minute breaks. So we are talking about 4 hours of audio. Also they are done in "hotseat" fashion. A person has a question, they are invited to the "hotseat", they ask their question and the host of the retreat answers. Usually the cds are broken up into anywhere from 5-20 files per session of 1 hour. When I'm done listening to them I move them to another folder so I know I've listened to them. iTunes now doesn't know where the file is and it has a little "!" to let you know iTunes doesn't know where the file is. Now I don't want these hanging around in my iTunes library when I've listened to them so I delete the entry.

Evidently for Mac users there is a simple way to do this. Not for PC users. You have to select and delete each file individually, or control select for multiple files. It doesn't even let you click drag a group of files. So with these spiritual retreats we are talking anywhere from 20-80 files. I usually have a play list of 3 retreats, with each session broken up by songs. So before I add the next 3 retreats I have to delete the previous 3 retreats and this can be up to 240 files. There is just no easy way to do this.

A couple years ago I did find and easy way, thanx to a blogger named Paul Mayne and his blog entry, How to Remove Broken or Dead Tracks from iTunes Now this no longer works as play lists are only available in the iPhone/iPod window. As with all things that make the iTunes experience more simple for Windows uses, Apple has figured a way to get rid of this easy fix.

So even though it takes me days to get my iTunes library just the way I like it and a couple hours a week, I was still a dedicated iTunes fan. Last year they came up with iCloud (free 5 gigs of storage you can add your iPhone/iPod back up to and up to 5 gigs of music) and iTunes Match, (any song you have, whether you bought it from iTunes or not, as long as it's for sale in the iTunes store, if you lose it due to say a HDD crash, you can download it for free, for a small fee of I think it was like $20-$30 dollars a year). They also came up with syncing via a home wireless network, which I love! I don't charge my iPhone via usb to my computer. I use to the wall adapter. Now every time I plug it into the wall and have iTunes up on my computer, it will sync via my home wireless network. That is so convenient. AND!! best thing ever! You no longer have to upgrade the software that way either. New upgrades to the iOS software install over your wireless network. This is still slightly annoying but getting so much better. Well except for music I've had for years is suddenly disappearing off my iPhone. It's not like I don't have room. I have a 64 gig 4S and I've never actually filled it up, though believe me I could.

So last night the Apple update software says new version 11 is available. I should have known better. See they've added this nice new feature which is a great idea for those of us that have videos and music beyond the capacity of our iPhone/iPod. It combines iTunes Match, iCloud, and your wireless/cellular network allowing you to play any song in your library. Sounds great right? I mean I have over 120 gigs of music, videos, TV shows, podcasts beyond the 64 gigs that were currently on my phone. So again, sounds great! Except for a few small things. One, it's on by default. Two, you don't actually have music, and videos on your phone. Which leads us to three, if you have no wireless signal or cellular signal, guess what? There is nothing on your phone. Oh and the best is number four, you have to leave iTunes open on your computer for it to work as well. Really? Considering iTunes 10 would randomly lock up and stop working on my i5 laptop, I'm not filled with confidence. Now I just figured this out tonight. Remember how I said I didn't get great reception in my neighborhood?

So I synced my iPhone last night, and was listening to it and everything was fine. Then I ran to 7-Eleven and as I left my block, the song I was listening to stopped in the middle, and I kept hearing parts of songs. So when I stop at a stop sign I take a look and my phone is fast forwarding through my music, and I can't stop it. I get home and everything is fine again. I go for my evening walk this evening, and get out of range of my wireless signal and it does it again. I hit back to my songs list and it's scrolling through all the titles. When it finally stops I try to play the song I had been playing and it does the same exact thing. I'm seeing album artwork go by and every now and again I heard the beginning of a song before it skips to the next one, and skips and skips and skips.

Finally I get a clue to what is going on, and I look at my phone capacity and usage. I have less than a gig of usage. So of my 64 gigs I have 63 free. I don't have any music or videos on my phone.

I come home from my walk, completely peeved and ready for this to be the end of my relationship with Apple as it takes me the next 2 hours to actually get stuff back on my phone. I sync, it takes all of a minute and no I still have nothing on my phone, just lists of songs and artwork. The songs will now play but that doesn't do me any goodFinally I turn off iTunes Match, uncheck all my music to clear my phone and recheck it and sync. Almost an hour later I have my music and videos back on my iPhone. Really?? Really?? This is supposed to help? I mean it's a good idea but taking everything off my phone so if I don't have a signal I don't have music? Isn't that why people have iPhones?

So I'm thoroughly convinced that even though the iPod is the #1 portable music player and the iPhone the #1 selling phone, that Apple is still ticked at Bill Gates and is taking it out on me. As I once again find album artwork for 193 songs, and try to find an easy way to delete what I no longer have in my library, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. Like I said I've been doing this since 2005, so my investment in iTunes is huge. Is it however worth the aggravation?

book review Crucible of Fate by Mary Calmes

Crucible of Fate by Mary Calmes
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really liked in the 3rd book when we got the surprise that Domin, not Logan would be taking over as the semel-aten, and even him taking Yuri as his mate rather than continuing to carry a torch for Koren. It was nice symmetry from him being unseated in the first book as semel of the Menhit tribe and made Logan's second in command. He was quietly in the background for most of three books so for him to become so important in the end of the third was not only a nice surprise but showed amazing foresight for a very complex story. (I would almost compare the complexity of werepanther society to that of Frank Herbert's Dune series if not for it's lack of diverse creatures.) It was nice to see how Domin takes on his new role and the growth of the relationship between Yuri and him.

(view spoiler)[The only thing that wasn't quite clear to me was Ilia. He was born in werepanther form signalling he was born a semel but he seems to have inherited at least one of his fathers reah/nekhene cat powers, the ability to make panthers shift. So it makes me wonder if he'll grow to be a semel/reah/nekhene cat, or if that's just a power some semel's also have. Also the ping thing was kind of new (hide spoiler)]

I do wonder if this is the last book in this series and if not where possibly Mrs. Calmes could go from here.

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Wake Me Up Inside by C. Cardeno

Wake Me Up Inside by Cardeno C.
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Really liked this one. I love people exploring the whole werewolf finding his mate thing in m/m stories. This one didn't disappoint, although it took a little longer for the two main characters to finally get to it than was comfortable.

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Faith & Fidelity by Tere Michaels

Faith & Fidelity by Tere Michaels
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Sweet story. I liked it. I did find it a little formulaic. Two wounded straight men become friends, start to depend on each other, find them selves attracted to each other, get together in secret, break up cause what people would think, then the way to get back together presents itself. I must have read 20 books that went like that. Which is the only reason it's getting 4 stars instead of 5

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the Sanctity of Marriage?

Last night I watched "the Real Housewives of Orange County" with my mom. It's one of those guilty pleasures that we share. Those women are just awful to each other. Really I suggest you don't watch the franchise unless you're ready to be sucked in. I don't know what it is about it. I think it's like a car accident. It's gruesome and gory, and there is nothing you want to see in it but you just can't help but slow down and look as you pass. You slow down and look enough and ... well ... you might as well get the popcorn out. So we are watching and at the very end we find out Vicki's daughter that just found out the tumors on her vocal cords and thyroid aren't malignant, has run off to Vegas with her boyfriend and gotten married. She decides the best way to tell Vicky, who is going through her second divorce, is for the happy couple to take her out to dinner and drop the bomb on her. Vicki wasn't happy. Of course, that's not the full story. It get's worse. They went to Vegas, got a marriage license, and then proceeded to get married at a DRIVE-THRU WEDDING CHAPEL! This is the sanctity of marriage that needs to be protected by refusing marriage rights to gay couples. I personally am not a fan of marriage. I come from a broken home. My father was career military and he came back from the Vietnam war changed. My mom said he'd always had a temper, he'd hit her a couple times, but when he came back from his second tour of duty all that escalated. One of my first memories is my father screaming at my mother, and then flinging her around the kitchen and dining room of our home while my sister and me screamed, "don't hurt our mother." I was 3 at the time. Most people find it odd that I remember that far back, especially my sister (who doesn't) but I do. Years later I asked my mom why he'd gotten custody of my sister and me when they'd first gotten divorced. He was cheating on her with her best friend. Keep in mind that having me totally messed with my mom's system. Not only did she go through years of postpartum depression, but she'd had a spotty thyroid most of her life that was some how exasperated after my birth. But still, it didn't make sense. She told me she'd attempted suicide. Then I remembered something. I'm going to preface this by telling you, you think you can say things in front of children and they aren't old enough to understand. This doesn't mean they aren't old enough to remember. I turned to my mother and said, "They got you drunk and convinced you to take a bottle of pills, didn't they?" Yes, a bit of a conversation I remember hearing between my father and my mom's best friend suddenly made sense to me. My mom, who still to this day will not say anything to put down my father in front of me, visibly swallowed, and didn't answer my question. She only said "I thought about what it would do to you kids and called the ambulance." This gave my father grounds for divorce. It was a win-win for him. He either had grounds for divorce and full custody or a dead wife. This is the beginning of my examples of marriage. It didn't get much better. Being raised by a single mother, I couldn't help but hear marriage horror stories. Not just craziness towards the wives either. This one story my mom told me (I was an adult by this time) helped her deal with the fact that I was gay and out. A co-worker of hers had been stealing from the job. Now if you think you can steal working as a clerk in a major department store (or even a customer) think again. They'd known she was stealing and let her continue to build the case against her. When they had enough they escorted her out in handcuffs and had her arrested. What they didn't know is that a few days earlier, her husband, who was gay, Muslim and doing his best to be straight, while having affairs with men on the side, couldn't take living a lie any more and shot himself. They had one child, a little girl. The child's father was dead, and her mother was going to prison, and they had no relatives in this country. Yay for the sanctity of marriage. These aren't my only reason's for not thinking marriage is a reasonable choice. There's also the fact that people are living longer than they used to, and if you pay attention their personal growth is happening quicker. That's why relationships seem to be peaking faster. We go through in a few months what used to take a life time. When you stay together when the relationship is done it just becomes hateful. There is also the fact that when there were few cities and more smaller towns, the people you would come across was rather limited. Now we all have cars, buses, trains, airplanes, the internet, Skype, Facebook, Google plus. Heck you can fly to the Philippines and marry someone you've never met. Still I find it funny that as a society we are so unwilling to redefine what marriage means to allow in same sex marriage, when we've already done that in the past few hundred years. Marriage used to mean an exchange of properties. You give me your daughter, I give you stuff. It was used to create alliances in families, for political or monetary means. Now people get married just cause they feel like it. Some get married over and over again. I've always wondered why people do that. It seems like they don't like themselves and find the thought of being alone with themselves a horrifying concept. Besides, marriage has basically become a joke. Come on, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, nuff said. Course, we all know why she filed for divorce. He's gay. I wish! Not that anyone wouldn't want to claim him. Good looking, fit, dresses well, wants to hang out with the Kardashians, doesn't mind helping a guy shave off some hair. I can see why she says that but come on. Y'all did it for the money and we know it. So y'all get it. Not a fan of marriage. So why speak out for gay marriage at all? Because while I might not ever want to get married, being told I can't for reasons that are obviously either discriminatory or based on religious dogma is just wrong, and it tends to get ridiculous. In order for a gay couple to give each other the same rights as one single piece of paper does, they have to file a packet of documents about an inch thick. That's just for stuff like being able to visit each other in the hospital. Still, as a lesbian couple found out a few years ago, it's still not a guarantee the hospital will honor the documents. The couple had been together for 20+ years, and had many documents of partnership, like power of attorney and durable power of attorney (the last gives the partner the right to visit the sick partner in the hospital and make decision for them in the case where they can't make decision themselves. Basically in lieu of a next of kin, which this sick woman wouldn't have had otherwise.) The hospital stated that gay marriage wasn't legal in their state and refused to honor the rights given by the document. Now again this wasn't a domestic partner agreement, or civil union document, this was a durable power of attorney. The woman died alone without her wishes being honored. But the sanctity of marriage was upheld!! Compassion must have no place in religion, or even simple human kindness, or even well THE LAW! Now after making it clear how I feel about marriage, let me say my Mom knows this and knows my reasoning. So one day when we were playing cards, some how gay marriage came up. She basically said that if I ever married a man not to invite her because she wouldn't be coming. I don't think I've ever been so hurt. Knowing that I'm not a fan of marriage, it would take an extreme relationship to even make me consider it. It would be about my happiness and not having the most important person in my life there (next to whomever HE is) would break my heart. I'm hoping you, the reader, can find something comparable, but being the gay person at a wedding is horrible. All these people brought together to celebrate the loving relationship of a couple, and knowing that your family will never do that for you, really hurts. You can't help but want it. It's engrained in us from the first time we are read the happily ever after versions of Snow White and Cinderella. That there is that one person out there that's perfect for us and when you meet magic happens and everybody is happy and celebrates that love. Anything less is a disappointing farce. So we all want it. For a lot of us that means marriage, whether gay, straight or other. Like any act of discrimination, anything less diminishes us all.

Does anyone know Jesus anymore?

This is a topic rife with contradiction.  You read about Jesus saying "Love your enemy" and telling us not to judge.  Yet the most public and outspoken Christians seem to say the opposite and are ready to quote scripture to make their point of judgement and hate.  It can be very confusing.

I don't remember my earliest religious education.  The earliest I can remember is one day I went out to play with my sister, who was 8 years my senior, and the kids made fun of me for wearing sandals.  I said, "Jesus wore sandals."  Their reply was "Oh now he thinks he's Jesus."  I was around 4 at the time.  I've always been rather strange, I can't help it.  I heard years later that the reason I came forth gay was to teach unconditional love.  Basically, people would not be able to change me so they would have to either avoid being in my presence, or find some way to love me in spite of my sexual identity in order for them to be comfortable around me.  That really resonated with me, because I've been made fun of for one reason or another all my life.

I do remember going to a Baptist Sunday School.  They reiterated a lot of things about Jesus I'd already heard but then they added more I hadn't heard.  Who god hates, and who is going to hell.  Child that I was at 8 years old I said, wait a minute, Jesus said to not judge and to love people.  I was told not to ask so many questions.  After a while my mother decided I didn't need to go to Sunday School any more.

Later, because of a boy who'd been my best friend when I was 3 or so (Todd Dooley) I started going to a Methodist church.  My Mom was brought up in the Methodist church and the Dooley's were our friends so we took steps to join the church.  I really liked it.  I liked the minister also.  I could listen to him for hours.  Unfortunately soon after we joined he retired, and the Dooley's, a military family, moved away.  I can't tell you what happened after that, maybe it was the lack of distraction because Todd was no longer there, but I would sit in church and not fall asleep but I would enter a sort of trance state, where I heard everything that was being said, but it was more like I was absorbing it rather than actually listening to it.  That's hard to deal with in the Methodist church because you stand to sing like 8 times every service.  So a few years later we stopped going.

I'd always felt that something was missing from religion though.  I felt it was something magical.  Truth be told now I know the true spiritual experience is a mystical one.  It transforms.  I spent the next 10 years or so, from 12 on, being a mystical practitioner.  I've seen things most people only wish to see and somethings no one would.  Of course, that's the same year I started to realize one of the reason why I felt so different is that I was gay.  So, since the church said I was evil, wrong, or confused, depending on who you talked to or which bible verse they quoted I, of course, turned my back on Jesus, the church, and Christianity, first from embarrassment then in defiance.

Some might consider that a bad thing but I would remind you of the prodigal son.  The sons that stayed and were loyal to their father weren't as loved as the one that left, fell and returned.  There is just something about the person that has sinned (originally the term came from archery and meant missed the mark), that the person who hasn't just doesn't have.  Marianne Williamson talks about Nixon before and several years after Watergate.  She tells how she couldn't listen to him before but years after when he started returning to the public eye, he'd been humbled.  If you think about it to go through such a international embarrassment and then return to public service, a person would have had to drop to their knees just to survive it.  All the false bravado would have to have been stripped away, and reliance placed on something in yourself but not of yourself.

I had a similar situation happen to me.  If you've never looked in the mirror and seen no one there, you have no idea what it's like.  So anyway I made my own return.  Not that I've returned to Christianity, but I've stopped turning my back on God and Jesus.  I just had to redefine what those words meant to me.  I had to reread the bible and to put it into context.  I basically stopped throwing out the baby with the bathwater.  I know the value of reading such text simply so they are no longer intimidating.  (I today love people who quote Leviticus to me, and Roman's because it's obvious to me they haven't actually read it or they have read it but don't have the intelligence or the desire to think for themselves.)

Buddha came before Jesus, and he described the law of Karma.  It was essentially the Law of Cause and Effect.  We misunderstand it today thinking that we do bad in this life and we come back and suffer for it in another.  Not what he meant.  What he meant was about thought.  See God is all about things in his universe becoming what they really are, and he has given us free will and the power to create just as he creates, and we can do so with him or with out him.  Buddha told us, you put up a defense and someone must attack.  You take action against someone, that is cause, they take action against you is the effect, which then becomes the new cause.  Except when Buddha talked about these things he wasn't really talking about action, he was talking about thought.  You can chose Cause, thought that co-creates with God, or cause, thought that co-creates without God.  Doesn't really matter because God has the last word, the last judgement if you will.  Jesus came several hundred years later and taught us in a moment of Grace (loving thought, or co-creation with God) all Karma is burned.

Now we have Law of Attraction.  Best explained by Esther Hicks.  She says, You were non-physical (one with that which we call God), and you sent a portion of that non-physical being into the physical to experience life.  You experience life day to day and your life causes you to have desire.  That greater part of you holds the space of the fulfillment of those desires, and lights the path for you, and on any subject if you think along the same lines as that greater part of you, that desire is fulfilled and is fulfilled quickly.  If you think on any subject in opposition to that greater part of you, not only is the fulfillment of that desire delayed, but you can actual cause it's opposite to happen temporarily and the way you tell which is on it's way is by how you feel when you think about that subject.  So if you think about money and feel depressed or worried, your financial situation is going towards worse, and if you thing about money and are truly Joyful, it is getting better.  So if you can't think about something and feel good about it, think of something that feels good until you think about that thing and it feels good.  What's funny about that is it's the same thing Buddha and Jesus said thousands of years ago, said in a new way and people still aren't buying it.

Hasn't the majority of your life, at certain times, felt the same?  It's the way God set it up.  Ask and it is given, knock and the door will be opened to you.  When we go through life feeling the same way, we are asking for thoughts that feel the same way, which bring manifestations that feel the same way.  Throughout our day though we have those moments that feel happy and things we can think about that feel happy, and those are the moments we should milk.  Instead we'd rather complain about that one thing that happened that upset the apple cart and we go through the rest of our day feeling that way.

That's what Jesus was saying when he said, "Love your enemy."  If you can think about those things about a person that you love about them, and think them often enough they become your habit of thought when they are not there, they can only come around you when they are showing those aspects.  That's when we are in line with God, the major part of ourselves and what we want to see.

I started to get an inkling of this in college.  In high school I would sit there thinking of how boring the subject was, the mean things that were said to me on the way to school, or between classes, or in the last class, and I wouldn't retain much of anything.  By college I'd learned to listen without judgement.  It wasn't easy, it was a muscle I needed to develop, just as you would work your biceps or triceps. So I sat there listening without judgement and would just absorb what the professor was saying.  Not only would I remember what he/she said, I would actually understand it in practical terms.  I rarely opened my books, but got straight A's on tests, papers and projects.  I wasn't deciding what the experience was before I experienced it and just remained open to experiencing it.  Now I'm not saying it's always easy.  Just saying it works.

I can't tell you how many times I've worked a shift and had the person I was working with turn to me and say "God, people were assh#les tonight!."  My response was "Really? I had fun."  That's another aspect of trying not to judge situations.  Jesus hung out with criminals, and prostitutes, and just didn't have the same experience with them others did.  Because he tried not to judge them and did try to find something to love in them.

I find it funny that the people we most admire in the past.  People like Einstein, Jesus, Buddha, our founding fathers, were the weirdos, and liberals of their time.  Yet someone stands in front of us saying similar ideas, we look down our nose at them and call them liberal.  

I heard this once in a Muslim Wedding.  "The prophet was once asked what is more important than prayer, to which he replied the spirit of prayer.  So what is more important than marriage?  It is the spirit of marriage that prompts us to search for the treasures within."  The treasures within is the love.  We say God is love and God made us, yet we think we can be anything other than love.  Temporarily we can but in God's world, everything will eventually become what it truly is.  So why bother struggling, and why bother pretending we know what it's all supposed to look like.

Letter to a gay teenager

I know you're probably going through a lot right now. I know how it feels. Right now you're probably feel scared, ashamed, and different. You probably had ideas about how your life was going to be and just realized a significant wrench was thrown into the works. You've probably heard a lot of opinions about who you are, how you came that way, the rightness and wrongness of it, and it probably hurts.

First I want to tell you there is nothing wrong with you. Take what everyone is saying about how you became gay and ignore it. The truth is you started as non-physical, an extension of source, what people call God, and you decided to come here into the physical for the reason of expanding the entire universe. You decided from that perspective, one that no human can rightfully understand, to come forth, and be gay. This was just one of the decisions you made from that perspective. You decided to be gay to teach unconditional love, not by being whom others thought you should be, but by being something they couldn't change.

See people don't realize that embryos turn into babies, seeds into plants, trees and flowers, and planets revolve around the sun and no one asks their opinion on any of it. They try to understand it and many think they do, but the truth is we can't. We get glimmers of how it all works but from our limited perspective we can never hope understand it. It would be like expecting an ant to do your tax return.

See we intended it that way, when we came forth. A man over 2,000 years ago told us to "Love our enemies", we didn't get it then and most of us don't get it now. We think love is about control, when it's really about a lack of control. Love is about holding off your opinion of the little details and being willing actually see a person, or thing. Have you ever been having a conversation with someone and they verbally attack you before you get out what you're saying. That's because they are judging what you say while you are saying it, (which is a little bit like driving a car with no windshield and instead a glass floor, so you don't see where you are going but only where you are and then judging the trip halfway through by the road you've seen underneath you) and not really listening to you. If they would just shut up and try not to judge what you're saying until you've said it, they might actually get what you're trying to say. But they don't and you just get more frustrated trying to make your point.

That's kind of what being gay is like some times. You have to decide you would rather be happy, than right. Life is like that really sometimes. I know it's not a popular opinion, but seriously, how many peoples minds have been changed by arguing with them? (I'll never get those people that stand outside of events and places with signs with slogans like "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" and stuff like that, what kind of moron would actually say to themselves "Oh yeah, you're right." What I understand the least is the people who try to argue with them. Do you really think your opinion is the one that will change their mind. Do you really think you hold the key to their epiphany? Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord mean Gods on it and doesn't need your help.) In order for two people to actually share their truth, both have to be willing to communicate it, and both have to be willing to listen. In that moment both are being unconditionally loving, and that moment changes the world.

So you came here to be the immovable object. In order to feel good, those around you have to find a way of loving you, despite their opinion on who you sleep with and the rightness or wrongness of it. Some of them won't. That's a good thing. Rejection never feels good, but seriously how good a friend, relative, co-worker ect is someone who would reject you for this one small thing that really doesn't effect them unless they chose for it to? There is so much about you that has nothing to do with being gay, so if someone is going to reject you for that one small thing, wouldn't you rather know sooner than later? It's like the girl who wants to date the guy, so she pretends to be something she isn't and hides what she thinks are her flaws. Doesn't she know that there might be someone out there who loves her for those flaws or in spite of them? Doesn't she know that sooner or later he's going to see behind the curtain and he's going to know she manipulated him and he's not going to be happy about it? Doesn't she know that they both could be finding someone perfect for each of them, in the time she is wasting convincing him she's what he wants? Unfortunately she can't see past his cute butt and dimples. It works the other way also, people deciding "you are the one" and then trying to change you into making you "the one" when "the one" for each of you is probably out there but neither of you can see them because you're only looking at each other.

Next I want you to know that your parents might be doing things you see as hurtful, to try to fix you. I want you to know they love you. I know it might not seem that way but, in most cases they do. Think about how long it took you to discover you're gay, how long it took for you to admit it to yourself, give them at least that long. Yes they should love you unconditionally but you are also their child. The first thing most parents are going to think about is protecting their child from danger. So the first thing they are libel to think about is stuff like, AIDS, bashing, people like Matthew Shepard, the fact that in most states you still can't get married, that people will make fun of you, and be mean to you, that you might be fired or not get a job because you're gay. Let's face it, we aren't at the point yet where when you think of someone who's gay you think of someone who's happy, married, successful. Usually most people think about the negatives, especially parents. They would do the same if you said you wanted to be an artist, or had a seething desire to sell women's shoes. Talk to them like an adult while remembering you're still a child. If you scream and cry, they are just going to do the same thing you do when they scream and cry, roll their eyes.

That leads me to coming out. You don't have to, until you're ready to. Don't let anyone tell you different. Especially if you think, they might kick you out, cut you off, or if paying for college is a consideration, you might want to hold off. You're living your life, not a political statement. Friends and public figures might try to tell you it's wrong to not come out. To a certain extent they are right. If not coming out means you're hurting people in the process, yes it's wrong. Otherwise it's no ones business but yours. What I mean by that is if you are leading women on, dating them, and in some cases for people who can, even having sex with them, you're hurting them. It's just not right to do so. It's not right to marry someone to hide your sexuality either. It is never right to use someone.

Which brings me to sex. Now truthfully I wish I was one of those people who could just have sex willy nilly and not have it affect me. I'm not though, and not every one is. I know gay people have a reputation of having lots of anonymous sex. The truth is guys like having sex. Women do also, but guys think differently about sex than most women. It has little to do with being gay and more to do with being guys. The thing is using people is wrong. Manipulating someone to get them into bed and then treating them like they don't exist afterward is wrong.

When you're ready to have sex have as much as you like, but do it for the right reasons and treat yourself and your partner with respect. You might think a guy is a total ass and still find him hot, so don't pretend like he means more to you before you have sex with him and then treat him like shit afterward. Consequently you might find a guy that has a wonderful personality but you find him physically repulsive. You can love people without sleeping with them.

This might seem weird to most people but I don't think AIDS is some divine retribution on gay people (else straight people wouldn't get it). I do however think it's a metaphysical bi-product of peoples neurosis around sex. Everything in the world began in the non-physical, the realm of thought. It started as a thought that received a feeling response and as more had that feeling response it sooner or later manifested. Think of how it must feel to get a diagnosis of a positive HIV status. It must feel devastating. When has anyone ever felt devastation around or as a result of sex? I'm thinking hundreds every second.

While safe sex is a great preventative and abstinence an even better one for not getting or spreading STDs, I think getting rid of our neurosis around sex is an even better one. This means not having sex to feel better when we feel powerless and angry, not having sex because we are TRYING to have kids (how stupid is that, every teenage girl can get pregnant yet adults have to try), not having sex to prove something, not having sex to fill the emptiness we feel, but as a natural expression of our connection to another human being. I'm not stupid, I know that as a teenager and sometimes even today I get so horny I could frack a stump, but that's what masturbation is for. Current research has actually shown that not having a regular release of semen, can lead to prostate cancer in men. Still let no one tell you when you're ready to have sex, but you. I know guys want to go out and lose their virginity as soon as possible but seriously it's not a race. It's your body, and you have to live with it your whole life. Don't throw it away to appease anyone.

So to wrap up, there is nothing wrong with you. You were born this way. As long as you respect yourself and others, you'll do fine. Give yourself a break and give your friends and family a break. It's your life, do it at your own pace. If you need help don't forget the Trevor Project and go on Youtube and check out the It get's better project

Love and Other Disasters

I just watched the 2006 movie Love and Other Disasters.  My Lord this is a great movie.  Not only does it star Britanny Murphy and Matthew Rhys (remember the Welsh man that played Kevin on Brothers and Sisters), but costars Catherine Tate (of Doctor Who and the Catherine Tate show here's her singing the theme song to her show at a Kirsty MacColl tribute, the lady who wrote and performed the song



), and Stephanie Beacham (please tell me you remember Sable from the Colbys/Dynasty here's my favorite Dynasty Season 9 scene with Stephanie it's the elevator scene right in the middle of the clip)



(I love her expression at the end of that scene)

Now I know people are going to first say how atrocious Brittany Murphy's British accent was in this movie, but it's not supposed to be an accent. More of a way of talking. As Brittany's character explains well into the movie when someone calls her an American, her father is English, her mother is from Argentina, she lived in London until she was 5 when her parents died, then moved to the states and was raised by her mother's family. So it's really not an accent, just a rather formal way of speaking. Which is funny because Britanny Murphy was the only member of the cast besides Santiago Cabrera who wasn't from the UK. (Though Santiago did grow up in London, Romania, Toronto and Madrid.) As far as accents go, I thought Matthew Rhys who is from Wales and grew up speaking Welsh, does an American accent better than a London accent.

It was actually Matthew Rhys character who made the movie for me. A 30 something, single gay man living in London, his inner life is much more satisfying that his outer life. He meets someone fantasizes about them, then actually gets to know them and they suddenly become inadequate. That is so me. I've been looking for love since I was 12 and from the first to the last the reality was so less fulfilling than the fantasy. To the point where I'm not sure if I haven't given up on finding Mr. Right, and just don't want to admit it.

Now to be honest I'm never going to make anyone's top 10 list. I've seriously more walls than the Vatican. I've lived long enough to know that I want what I want and I'm not going to settle for less. I know what being with "him" feels like and that's what I want. What I've gotten, in the past, is men who demean me, abuse me, desert me, or manipulate me in one way or another. Now I have to admit, in each of these relationships I've felt something was off going into them, and I ignored that. That is my own damn fault. It's taken me almost 30 years to actually not respond when I'm feeling something is off.

The last guy that wanted a relationship with me, I was upfront with. I basically told him, I'm sick of people playing games with me, and trying to get me to do what they want all the time. I've spent the last few years gravitating toward what feels good, so here is how this is going to go. If you call, and I'm feeling it, I'll answer, otherwise I'll wait until I'm feeling it and I'll call you back. I'm only going to call when it feels right. So for the next few weeks I would be working and since I'm not supposed to be on my cell at work I wouldn't check it that often. Now knowing I'm working and I'm not supposed to even have my cell on, I would check it on a smoke break, and get the feeling I was in a relationship with a 12 year old girl. "How are you today?" "You busy?" "What's up?" "Don't you even have time to text me back?" getting meaner and meaner from there, and then he would wonder why I didn't call him the minute I got off work.

The truth is like Matthew Rhys' character in the movie, I want that guy who is the aha moment. I want to feel it. I want to know it's right from the first consideration of dating him, and to be honest I'm willing to wait another 30 years for it. Sure I'll be in my 70s with my behind scraping the back of my knees, but I know what I want and I'm not settling for less.

Get your free sample

OMG, Whomever came up with this business model is the most annoying person in the world.  Try free! and unless you cancel we'll charge you every month for the rest of your life.  Who came up with this?  Just send me the free trial, or whatever I've bought and send me information for additional ordering.  Don't force me to try your club.  It's quite obvious you think I'm going to not read the fine print, or will be too lazy or busy to cancel your stupid club.  If that's the way you're making your money it's quite obvious you don't have any faith in your product what so ever so why would I try the free sample in the first place?

This started recently with Pimsluer.  I got one of those Pimsluer quick and easy language CDs.  I have to admit what I did do in the lessons I did retain.  Unfortunately, I was rolling my eyes by the 4th lesson and that isn't a good sign, it was kind of annoying me.  10 days after the quick and easy CD came, guess what? I didn't read the fine print.  They send me the Gold section 1 version of the language I'd chosen (in this case I picked German because conversationally it sounds very similar to English to me).  So I get Pimsluer German I Gold Edition in the mail 10 days later.  They didn't even give me 2 weeks to try the first CD I'd gotten.  So surprised that I received it in the first place I looked at the invoice.  "Free Trial" it said.  So I looked up online what the terms were of the quick and easy CD I got for $10.  Guess what?  For my convenience, I'd been signed up for the Pimsluer Language Familiarity Program.  Nifty little program there.  What I get is a new language every month (I assume German I would be followed by German II and III and then they would pick a language for me).  Each Language package they send is just 4 easy payment of $64.99 + shipping and handling!  Wow! Only $260 per course!

At that price, no way.  Still if I'd tried the quick and easy German, and liked it.  I would have been happy to see what my options were for continuing the course.  Unfortunately that is not how Pimsluer Approach does business.  Personally I think it's dishonest.  I've run across this several times on the Internet and I hate it each time.  I refuse to join these things.  Each time I get one of these "Try us!" deals I search the terms and conditions for dollar signs.  Obviously I missed one in the Pimsluer Approach Terms and Conditions.

Like I said I don't try many of these Try me deals.  Several years ago I wanted to look at some artwork of a famous gay artist, who did quite a few male nudes.  I was surprised you couldn't get into his site without joining one of those adult verification sites.  He had 3 choices.  I searched through the T&C for all of them, and picked the one that didn't have hidden in the T&C "Try for 2 weeks for the low price of $???, and for your convenience if you don't cancel in 2 weeks we'll charge you $??.?? a month until you cancel!" Guess what? I missed it.  I logged in, looked at the site once, wasn't really impressed and forgot about it.  Until 2 weeks later I got a charge for $70.  Yep, there it was in section 378 subsection D.  So basically you're ripping me off and think I won't know about it?

Here's the thing.  I pay a lot of monthly bills.  My Credit Card company tells me when my payment is due and what will happen if I don't pay it.  My Cable company tells me when my payment is due and what will happen if I don't pay it.  My cell phone ... well you're getting the point.  Why aren't these people forced to tell me up front, "If you do this we are going to charge your credit card every month this amount until you cancel it!"  Better yet why don't you just have faith in your product and give me the information about joining your monthly charge club, if I chose to?  Expecting the lowest intelligence possible from people is quite insulting

How does WMG expect to make money off music no one is hearing?

Recently I've become addicted to YouTube. I recently found that I can watch gay story lines from TV shows and movies from around the world. I need this. I've been watching straight romantic story lines all my life but being a gay man something is always missing. I don't mind it really. I mean if there were no straight people there would be no people, so I'm not one of those people who seems to think gay is better and everyone should have to have gay representation. I do think gay people have money and if you want that money you should represent them. After all money from gay people is still money. Spends exactly the same, and whether you accept gay people, appreciate them, or just tolerate them, if you have a business it make sense to be inclusive rather than exclusive.

But still, I need this. I need to see people like me fall in love, move in together, have commitment ceremonies, have children through a surrogate or adoption, or even fostering. I need to see people like me have careers, friends, and family. I need it because we all need things we can relate to. It's just different watching it all happen to a straight couple.

So I've been enjoying watching a lot of clips on YouTube. Unfortunately I keep running into this "This video contains content from WMG, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds" This, is Warner Music Group finding some song that belongs to them in a clip on YouTube and blocking it because they haven't gotten money for it from YouTube, or the uploader. Now I know how copyright works. It doesn't matter if there are 1,000 videos with the same song in them out there. As long as you block 1 you're showing you are protecting your content, and therefore if someone uses it to make money you can go after them. If you don't make at least one show of trying to protect your content, litigation will fail. The offender can say "well look at all these infractions and you've never gone after one of them, why am I so special." and actually get off.

Now, my assumption is that because YouTube is advertiser supported that they are making an argument that YouTube/Google is actually making money off their content. Not a bad argument, splitting hairs really. They could be going after something more substantial, but YouTube is easily assessable. Question is who would watch a clip over and over to avoid buying a song when you can get it off iTunes for a dollar.

This is where I have a problem with their strategy. They want to get money from YouTube every time that video with their song is played, and Google is probably saying we don't make money off it every time, why should you?

Like I said I've been spending a lot of time watching these videos on YouTube the past couple months. I've also found in these videos a lot of music I would not have otherwise heard. I don't go to clubs, I don't watch TV, I don't listen to the radio (I used to listen in the car but then every day on the way to work, they would play that Enya song from Lord of the Rings Return of the King, and I would have to fight to stay awake. Enya to me is like Valium. I think the station thought that it would reduce road rage, but millions of people all fighting to stay awake at the same time while driving, to me, doesn't decrease traffic accidents) and after working in a video store for 13 years, I don't watch many movies any more. So except for the few TV shows I do watch, and videos on YouTube, where am I going to come across this music they are trying to sell?

There you go. I've spent over $90 in the past 2 months downloading music off iTunes. Mainly music I've heard in these video clips. So since I've seen at least a hundred of these "This video contains content from WMG, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds" I guess Warner Music Group has been the only music seller that hasn't benefited from my new obsession. WTG WMG! How do you think you're going to sell music no one is hearing? I mean I get it. I remember the golden days of Napster. But guess what? Now I'm paying for it and you are missing out. Enjoy!

I love iTunes btw! I cannot tell you how many times in my 41 years I've bought a whole album for one song. I cannot tell you how many times I felt so ripped off, because I heard one great song on the radio, bought the album (vinyl, cassette, CD and some times multiple times when I did like most of the album because I bought the vinyl but then no longer have a record player, so I bought the cassette, or I have the cassette but why not have it on CD, or I bought the CD and can't find it so why not buy it off iTunes) only to listen to it and find I like that 1 song and that's it. Oh and here is my favorite. You hear a song by the original artist in a movie, so you buy the soundtrack and it actually has a different version of the song that was in the movie. Now if I like that one song I can preview the other songs and if only that one song is floating my boat, I only have to buy that one song. Fantastic! Thank you iTunes!

The Talk with your gay son

I've tried to find this everywhere and I'm suprised the video is so hard to find. Having "The Talk" with your kids is hard enough, but being a straight parent talking about sex to your gay son or daughter must be even more difficult. One of the sweetest father/gay son relationships on TV is Bert and Kurt Hummel. Manly, Stoic, Bert Hummel, sometimes doesn't know how to talk to his gay son, but he's nothing but supportive to him and always willing to fight for him. This is the relationship most gay men wish they'd have with our fathers. We don't expect, "Yay! You're gay!" but we do hope that the example of the adult male in our lives, loves, supports, accepts us and never stops trying raise us to be a good man, even if it's a good gay man.

So when Burt (at Blane's suggestion) sits down to give Kurt "The Talk" I wasn't disappointed. Kurt and Burt have The Talk

While not wanting to delve into the specifics of gay sex, Bert basically says to Kurt, you matter to me, and my hope is you matter to you. I must have watched that scene a hundred times. I wished I'd had someone to say the same thing to me.

The first time I had sex was 2 weeks before my 16th birthday. I'd fooled around before then but this was my actual first time. He was tall and blond, sweet and charming, and I thought I was falling in love with him. What I didn't know was that he was a jerk who was just trying to use me for sex. That would have been okay with me, if he'd not acted otherwise before we had sex. Afterward he acted kind of jerky, told me not to fall in love with him, and that he would probably dump me in a couple of weeks. He did.

See there are those people who can have one-night stands and enjoy them. I envy those people, but at the same time feel sorry for them. Sometimes it's so empty. It's like Miss Celie says in The Color Purple, "It's like he's going to the bathroom on me." It was years after I saw that film that I got that. See I tried the one night stands with random strangers, and I always felt so empty afterward. It took until I was in my 30s to realize why. See we grow up only seeing the most out there portion of the gay community and that's what we see gay people in that community do. Random sex with Random strangers. Like trying to fulfill a sexual bucket list. Don't get me wrong, straight people do it as well, but they have examples all over the place of a different way to live. Gay people, especially when I was growing up, did not. We only had the one. (Well two if you consider staying in the closet and living a lie.)

So in my 30s I had sex with a friend, it was only a couple times and it was great, and we remained friends. We didn't fall in love, sex didn't complicate our relationship. We were friends who had a flirtation going that proceeded to it's logical conclusion. It was the first time I'd had what I considered great sex. It was then that I realized what was missing. The emotional component. I loved him, as a friend, but I wasn't "in love" with him. The difference is I cared about him and he cared about me, and for once I'd had a random sexual encounter and didn't feel empty afterward. I was 30 years old and just realizing this.

See the idea as I was taught it was that men have sex for the sake of having sex and women for love, and I am a man. So I should be able to enjoy random sex. The difference in me is that I have to feel something for the person I'm having sex with. Not convincing myself I was in love with that person, or on the other hand wanting a house, a picket fence, a dog, a cat, and 2.5 kids with them either. I just have to give a shit about them, and know they give a shit about me.

My hope is that someone will watch Kurt and Bert's "Talk" with their teenage son and say "Couldn't have said it better myself! I love you! Here's your pamphlets! Don't stop there though, there is a lot of information on the internet that most gay men don't have about gay sex but should!"

That was another thing I didn't learn until my 30s, and Brokeback Mountain didn't help with that either. Guys (straight and gay) the spit and stick it in method is dangerous. I know a lot of straight guys want to do anal with their girl friends, but please! learn a bit about it and she may even let you do it twice. If you hurt her, guess what? It's a one time deal.

On a related topic, and this is something I just have to say. There is nothing worse when a gay guy tells his straight friend (or potential friend) he's gay than for him to react with "I'm not gay!" like he's just been told he has cancer and is in denial. I can't tell you how many times I've been having a great conversation with a guy I either know or am pretty sure is straight, and the conversation inevitably comes around to the question, "So, you got a girlfriend? So, Are you Married?" etc etc. This is usually the time when as a gay man, you feel that honesty is the best policy, and you reply, "Nope, I'm gay." Now maybe it would have been better to reply, "Nope, I'm gay, and looking so if you have any friends ..." or "Nope, I'm gay, and if you happen to have any gay brothers at home that are as easy to talk to as you ..." or something like that but the other guy usually comes back with an almost shrill, fight or flight reaction, "I'M NOT GAY!" Which feels kind of like you would imagine being shat upon feels.

Now maybe he thinks at that moment, that since I'm gay and I'm having a good time with him, I thought it was something more than it was. I don't know cause he's never told me. I usually come back with "Yeah, I assumed." "or Yeah, considering I just met your wife ..." or "Yeah since you've been talking about your girlfriend for the past half hour ...", and unless he redeems himself rather quickly, I walk off. See it's isolating enough when you're gay having male friends, but when you're starting to get to know someone and they've already treated you like you're something they stepped in, you tend not to want to stick around. Just sayin'.

The essence of what I want in that moment, can best be explained by a scene in the movie, As Good As it Gets. The scene is with Greg Kinnear and Jack Nicholson, who though out the movie have developed a weird little friendship. Greg Kinnear is gay and Jack Nicholson is obviously older, and OCD, and not really that great with people in the first place, so having any friends, much less a gay friend is unusual for Jack's character. They have this scene where Jack says something that makes Greg laugh and then Greg says "I love you." Now he isn't saying, "I love you I want to be your boyfriend," or "I love you, let's have sex." He's just saying I love you as a person, as a friend. Jack's response, hit me to the core, and it's the kind of reaction I would hope to get from a straight friend "If that did it for me, I'd be the luckiest guy in the world." Now I find it so funny that as many times in my life that I've witnesses some straight guy ruin that moment, that Jack Nicholson's socially inept character gives the perfect response.

You have to understand I've had a few straight guy friends, who I cared about a lot, who've treated me more like their girlfriend than they have their girlfriend. Opening doors for me, buying me stuff, hugging me a lot, touching me a lot, I even had one that was much taller than me, who would pick me up in a hug, twirl me around, put his face up to mine so our foreheads were touching while smiling broadly. It made me really happy, until he did it one time in front of his girlfriend and her best friend and I saw their reaction. Their faces said that they thought we were a lot closer than they were admitting.

Then things got complicated and rather confusing for me. I loved the guy but didn't think I stood a chance but it became obvious in that moment that his girlfriend did, and her best friend saw it as well. It also didn't help that he broke up with her shortly after that. We aren't friends any more. I wish we were but I, at the time, couldn't just be happy with being his friend. I'd felt more and I couldn't convince myself he didn't want more as well. Who knows where we would be today if I'd just been able to accept the relationship for what it was and been happy with that. I was 19 at the time, felt lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and didn't feel like I had many options. If he hadn't acted like he was one, even though he'd said the opposite, it would have been so easy to do. That's not what happened though. Maybe some how we can find a way for straight guys and gay guys to be friends without the confusion.